langmais

si migs

2008-07-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

sulat ni papa

2008-06-27T07:51:00.000-07:00

dear paul,

unang-una, nais kong sabihin agad sa 'yo na alam ko nang bakla ka. yan ang dahilan kung baket kita sinulatan ngayon.

baket? anong nangyari? di ka naman ganyan dati diba?
alam mo anak, noong una kong narinig yan sa mama mo, di agad ako naniwala. kasi wala naman sa pamilya natin ang ganyan. kahit sa pamilya ng mama mo wala ding ganyan, halos lahat nga ng tito mo nagsundalo.

sa totoo lang di ko pa lubos maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. sabi ng mama mo, wag daw akong magagalit sayo. nakakarinig na ako ng mga usap-usapan tungkol sayo dati pa. nagagalit ako sa kanila dahil iniisip ko sinisiraan ka lang nila. hanggang sa ang mama mo na rin mismo ang nagkwento sakin.

anak, naalala ko noong bata ka pa. palage kitang kasama sa bukid. ang hilig mong laro ay baril-barilan. palage kitang ginagawan ng kawayang sumpak na binabalahan mo ng basang papel o kaya'y papayang hilaw. iniisip ko noon, baka sumunod ka sa yapak ng mga tito mo na magsundalo. kaya nga ayaw kong pinagbabakasyon ka sa kanila kasi baka maipluwensiyahan ka nila.

parang gusto kong manghinayang at naging ganyan ka. sabi pa naman ng mga kuya ko, ikaw daw ang magbabalik sa angkan natin sa larangan ng pulitika. kasi magaling ka daw makisama, madami kang kaibigan.

naalala mo ba noong nasa hayskul ka? nahulihan kita ng loveletter sa bag mo. pinagalitan kita, pinagbawalan kitang umuwi ng lagpas na sa oras na dapat nasa bahay ka na. nagalit lang naman ako sa'yo noon kasi natatakot ako na masira ang pag-aaral mo. tingnan mo na lang ang mga pinsan mong maagang nag-asawa, nahihirapan sila diba? yan ang ayokong mangyari sa inyo. kahit ang kuya mo at ang mga ate mo, hindi sila nagsyota habang nag-aaral. kasi ang gusto kong mangyari, aral muna bago relasyon. ngayon ko lang naisip, buti nga at loveletter ang nasa bag mo, hindi marijuana.

pero may tiwala ako sayo anak, alam ko na kahit anong mangyari, kahit anong piliin mong gawin sa buhay mo, sigurado ako na magtatagumpay ka. kasi matalino ka. ikaw nga ang nagplano dati ng negosyong itikan natin, natatandaan mo ba yon? kasi sabi mo nga, kelangan nating magamit yung natutunan mo sa animal husbandry sa hayskul. nakita kita kung paano ka nagformulate ng laying mass, namitas ka ng mga dahon ng ipil, pinatuyo mo, hinalo mo sa molasses, at kaunting kung anu-ano. ilang araw lang at nangitlog na nga ang mga itik natin.

kapag sabado, ikaw ang nagpapastol ng mga itik sa palayan kapag tapos na ang anihan. at kapag bakasyon, abala ka sa pagtatanim ng kamoteng kahoy, gabi, petsay para may pambili ka ng gamit pagdating ng pasukan.

sa totoo lang anak, di kita kinakitaan ng pagiging bakla noon. di ka naman kumikendeng, di ka naman mahilig sa manika, di ka nakikipaglaro sa mga babae. sa katunayan pa nga, ikaw palagi ang scout master sa skul mo. at di ka talaga papayag na di makasama maski saang camping. at tuwing nagtatapos ang taon, natutuwa ako kapag tumatanggap ka ng medalya bilang pinakamahusay na boy scout ng taon.

noon, ang nakita ko lang na potensyal sayo ay maging isang mabuting haligi ng isang pamilya. nakita ko kasi na responsable ka sa lahat ng mga ginagawa mo.
di ko nakita sayo na magiging bakla ka paglaki mo. at yon siguro ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.
di ko mahanap ang sagot. siguro sayo ko na lang iiwanan ang tanong na yan, baket ka nga ba naging bakla, anak?

pero ngayon pa lang, bago ka pa man magpaliwanag, nais ko lang sabihin sayo na mahal pa rin kita at proud pa rin ako sa 'yo at kung anuman ang mga napagtagumpayan mo.
nang umuwi ka noong april, di ko makakalimutan yung sinabi mo na kahit ayaw mo nang tumira dito sa bundok, babalik at babalik ka pa rin dahil nandito ako.

wala na akong mahihiling pa sayo bilang isang anak. ginawa mo lahat ng gusto ko. di mo ako sinuway sa mga naging patakaran ko, kahit alam mong ang iba doon ay di na tama. ikaw lang sa limang anak ko ang tumanggap ng parusa sakin pero kahit kelan ay di nanumbat. ikaw lang ang hindi nagtampo sakin nang iwanan ko kayo sa nanay niyo. at sa kabila nun, ikaw ang gumawa ng paraan para magka-ayos kami. utang ko sayo ang maayos na kalagayan ko ngayon dito. maraming salamat anak at isa ka sa mga naging anak ko.

di ako mahihiya. wala kang nagawa na dapat kong ikahiya. di ako galit, matapang ka lang na ipakita ang totoo mong pagkatao. masasaktan lang ako kapag may nang-api sayo dahil sa pagiging ganyan mo. alam kong malabong mangyari yon, dahil napakatapang mong lalaki. oo anak, lalaki pa rin ang turing ko sayo. mas lalaki ka pa nga sa mga pinsan mong siga, kasi ikaw may narating, may napatunayan. sila wala.

pag-uwi mo ulit dito, okay lang na isama mo yung boypren mo na kinukwento ng mama mo sakin. para naman makilala namin ng tito cesar mo.. siyanga pala, naiyak ang tito mo nang magkwento ang mama mo. ikaw pa naman daw ang inaasahan niyang magkakaanak ng kamukha at kasintalino ng lolo mo. pano na yon?

sige anak, hanggang dito na lang ito. ikamusta mo ako sa mga kapatid mo. mag-ingat kayo palage, lalu ka na sa gabi ka pumapasok.

nagmamahal,
Papa

a night in potipot island...

2008-06-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

potipot island, i was with migs, terence and his partner. potipot is a small island in candelaria zambales. its white fine sand and crystal clear blue water will definitely make you love the place. after five hours of travel, you will forget the hassle and bustle of the city and will easily find peace as soon as you reach the destination and finally catch the view of the island.

we reached the island late afternoon. we spent the rest of the day roving around, taking pictures, jogging, eating, just everything that strikes our carefree minds. we were there to be free after all, so we seize the day. as the sun bids goodbye, we started building our camp tents and started a fire. we brought a kilo of fish and some hotdogs to grill for dinner. i and migs decided to invade the water earlier, anticipating it’s going to be colder later. while terence and his partner we’re having fun with the grilling challenge [grilling just with sticks, no griller], i and migs were already having fun at the beach. the water is perfectly clear. literally crystal clear as the tips of little waves creates crystal effects due to the reflection of the moonlight.

this is what i always wanted to get on my rest days. peace of mind, stress-free and relaxing surroundings. the company is an additional bonus. who wouldn’t be contented to be with someone who’s been a source of your happiness, in a perfect getaway like this island? the stars are randomly placed in the dark sky, and the moon plays as our lamp. the rush of the water, our chills, and our laughter are the only sound we can hear.

PAUL

migs, ang saya natin no? namiss mo ba ‘to?

MIGS

oo nga. alam mo, parang gusto kong hilingin kay Lord na ganito na lang tayo habambuhay. Kaso imposible.

(both burst in laughter)

si terence [translation: lil bro, gemini is the real name] is a dear friend and closest friend to my heart. he just came from saudi. after here, they will head to isabela, his partner’s hometown while i and migs will go back to manila. they’re also having great time together, i’m sure they missed each other, after two years of being apart.

midnight comes closer, and dinner is ready. we get off the water and change clothes. we didn’t bring rice (mapapanis kasi), we only have loaves of bread, grilled fish and hotdogs, cheesebread, junkfoods (a lot), bananas, sofdrinks, and beers in can.

TERENCE

kuya, namiss kita sobra. thanks huh, sinama mo kami dito. isipin niyo na lang wala kami para di ma-spoil ‘yong romantic getaway niyo ni migs.. hehe!

PAUL

loko-loko! okay lang na kasama kayo, mas masaya nga eh. tsaka namiss din kita. i love you bro! hahaha!

(everyone laughs loud)

after dinner, terence and his partner now tried the water. i and migs didn’t get wrong, it’s now colder. while they’re having fun swimming, i and migs were sitting at the sand, having the luxury of solitude and of the warmth of sanmig. this is what i call moments of love. when we were together, talking about just everything, one body wrapped in arms of the other. two heartbeats in rhythm, two souls sharing a love song only these two hearts can hear.

MIGS

Saksi ang buwan at mga talang maningning, naririnig ng naglalarong alon ng dagat at ng malamig na hanging banayad ang pag-ihip, iniibig kita at isinusumpa kong ikaw lamang, panghabambuhay…

i tried to hold my sanity intact. but deep inside, i can feel an extreme feeling of happiness, making me real crazy. i wanted to shout; i wanted to let the world know someone just dedicated to me his forever commitment of love. i wanted to shout, not minding if no one will listen. but i held back. i breathe deeply. i tried to act as if it didn’t touch me.

PAUL

Baduyyy!

MIGS

okay, baduy pala. pasensya na ha, ganun lang ang kaya ko. di kasi ako magaling magsalita.

(nagtampo)

PAUL

mahal na mahal kita migs… ikaw lang din. isinusumpa ko rin, sa ngalan ng mga talangka at tutubing-dagat, ikaw lang ang iibigin ko ngayon at magpakailanpaman…

we started to kiss. our lips touching each others’ lips gently, a kiss i will never forget. it’s a kiss that seems endless, full of love and overflowing happiness. we lay on the fine sand, his arms wrapped around my body, and mine on his nape. still kissing, feeling each others breath…

TERENCE (shouting)

May tao!!!

(we stopped and acted like nothing’s going on. We were very surprised)

TERENCE

Joke lang.. hahahaha!

(we all again burst into laughter)

When midnight came, we all decided to get inside the tent to rest. Serenity. I and Migs embracing each other, lilbro’s head on his partner’s chest.

When sunrise strikes tomorrow, tonight will just be another memory to treasure.

A night in potipot island…

(plano pa lang... hehehe!)

love is like a...

2008-06-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

Love… I’m really having hard time writing about love. I was never really good at expressing my feelings. I was never even good at showing it. Minsan pag may problem ako, tahimik lang ako. Sabi nga ni mama, talo ko pa ang bata, kahit di pa nakakapagsalita, umiiyak kapag nagugutom or basa na ang diaper. Pero ako, dinadaan ko lang sa tulog ang problems ko. If she only knows, I’m not really sleeping. I tend to pretend that I’m sleeping the whole day when in fact I am just in deep silence. I will die young, I know, because I don’t have outlets for my grief. I laugh to hide the pains, I smile even in despair.

Love has been so cruel to me since the first day I felt it. Maybe this is just the way I see it, they said our fate lies in our hands. I’ve had few failed relationships in the past, and it is still counting. If I say it’s my entire fault, does it mean I’m not good at having relationships?

I met Liezl when I was 14. She’s not a typical pretty girl that young boys will irk around. She’s dark, kinky hairs; my mama said she’s morena (perhaps that’s just her way of telling me she’s dark but pretty). At first, I was meeting her at the canteen during my break times or in between my subjects. I would always catch her staring at me, but I just consider it incidents. Then we became friends, she would always offer me pancit or spaghetti. That was so sweet. My classmates kept on bullying us around until I finally realized our friendship has gone somewhere else. I started going to her house on Sundays, picking her up for a river-date. We were young so I guess we weren’t aware yet what a relationship really was. One time, when we were inside a church, she asked me, would you marry me when we grow old? I suddenly felt different. I know my answer could be yes, but something inside just prevented me to say so. But I loved her.

I was already in third year of college when we broke up. She called me to ask for a cool-off and she never called again. I should have called her to clarify everything but I guess I was just a coward to do it, simply because I know I’ve already lost her. She didn’t want me to leave then, she wished we could go to the same school in college but I still left and enrolled in Manila.

I moved on, not easily but I’ve made it. It’s when Liezl left me when I’ve found another part of myself that all along, I never knew, was just waiting for me to recognize it. I discovered what I have become now.

I have had G-Bal; he knew how much I devoted myself to him. I moved mountains to be with him. I loved him, I doubt if he loved me back just the same. We ended up as friends and that I guess lighten up the damage he made. We still see each other once in a while, whenever I go to the province to visit my father, I see to it that I also visit him. What’s good about our failed relationship is that it opened to a much stronger relationship, a special friendship which requires no commitment, no boundaries, just friendship. It still hurts, I must admit. The last time I was with him, we were with his current partner. He said he’s happy. I envy their almost perfect relationship. I envy his partner’s part; I can’t help but wish I was him. That last time we were together, I completely felt lost, naguluhan ako bigla. I ended up finding the reason why we didn’t made it. May kulang ba sa ‘kin? Was it my age (I was only 19 then and he’s 26) or it was just the wrong time?

Dumating si Don, umalis din kaagad. Parang bagyo lang, he dropped by to devastate my peace of mind (naks…) We were so in love (that time). He would even shout to the whole world how much he loves me (pag lasing lang). Nangarap din kaming magpakasal. He said he’ll work in the states and will bring me there pag stable na siya. It took him fifteen months to realize that I’m not the right person… (puta!). Sa totoo lang, from all those failed relationships I’ve had, ito yung pinakamasakit. Ito yung iniyakan ko talaga ng one week. Siya lang yung hinanap-hanap ko. Sa kanya lang ako nagmakaawa ng sobra para lang balikan ako. In short, sa kanya lang ako nagging tanga. Pero napaka-ironic ng reason kung bakit siya yung pinakamasakit kong sugat. Kami lang ang nakakaalam…

Nasa listahan din si Razz, flight attendant na siya somewhere, for sure nakarating na siya sa rainbow… Almost one month lang kami nito. I asked him from the very start if he loves me, he just said “If I don’t love you, I wouldn’t kiss you back when you kiss me the first time we met.” When we met, he’s already good to go for abroad. We only have few days to spend together. He hates it whenever I ask him about his leaving. I don’t really understand why until he left. He left without any notice. Kumbaga sa employment, AWOL. Wala man lang grace period. Let’s say we went out for a date last night, it was his birthday and I prepared some surprise stuffs and pakulo to make him happy. I asked my singer friend to call him and sing to him his favorite song. He was really happy that we almost have tough time calling it a day. Then when I wake up today, I received a text from him telling me our relationship has just ended. He’s freakingly unpredictable. I tried to talk to him but he didn’t hold back. He’s firm, I guess he don’t love the idea of having someone waiting for him while he’s away.

Si Liezl, G-Bal, Don, and Razz, ilan lang sila sa mga taong maituturing kong nag-iwan ng kani-kanilang marka sa buhay ko. Minsan natatanong ko sa sarili ko kung natuto na ba ako? Wala naman akong makuhang sagot.

Di naman kasi inaaral ang pagmamahal. At hindi rin natin pwedeng idikta sa mga mahal natin kung paano nila tayo dapat mahalin.

Love is like a river talaga, not because it flows down through your veins, but because if it chooses to go, you can’t help but witness it flow where it desires to go, seemingly endless. The more na pipigilan mo ‘tong umalis, the more it increases the current until it pours.

Love is like the sun din, not because it lights up your whole world, but because it doesn’t give an assurance to shine at all time. Sometimes it hides behind the dark clouds. And it rains when he starts to hide.

Now I am, for the infinite time, again in a crazy mode of being in love. Yes, crazy. But this time, the river is flowing free and wild. The sun shines, if it rains, I know he’ll come back another day.

Now I finally realized why lovers would always wish time stops while they are in each others arms.

ngayong araw na 'to, sa picture mo lang ako makikitang masaya...

2008-06-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

wala lang kasi akong maisip na i-post. pasensya na... hehehe!

2008-06-17T07:34:00.001-07:00

lil bro, my no.1 fan is now reminding me to update my blog.. kulet huh! parang may deadline ako. hehehe!

well lately, busy ako konte. i was transferred to another account. the task is quite different from my usual tasks. it's inbound kasi, andaming reports.

anyway, so what's with the freedom night up there? hmmm.. wala lang. di pa ako ready magkwento. hehehe! later today, i wish i can post something you would love to read.

work muna ako.

many of us are cowards...

2008-06-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

"Many of us are cowards. Coward to let go of someone we truly love. Selfish enough to hold on when it is time to let go. "If you love someone, set him free, if he comes back, he's yours, but if not, he never was". I dont fully understand the meaning of this quote until I met him. I can say he is better now though time left a deep scar on him. If I'm in his situation, I don't know what i might do."

-from terence's blog

haaayy! nakakatouch...
check niyo, http://chips-reloaded.blogspot.com/

The Happening

2008-06-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

we watched movie today, i and migs [translation: when i say watch movie, it's always with migs]... hmmm. the movie is good, it's even better because it's been a while since the last time we went to a movie. i mean, sometimes when i'm doing something or when i'm into something with someone, the gauge if it's good or not is not only on that something but also on that "feeling" i feel because i'm doing it together with that someone.

don't expect me to narrate the story here, i don't want to spoil your excitement. yes, i suggest you watch it for yourself...

anyway, the movie, regardless of who my company was, is really good. i felt the thrill right when i sat down (we're late) until its end.

the movie has this sci-fi-ish element, a little twist of romance, and handfull of suspense.
i say sci-fi-ish (i know there's no such word) because they tried to incorporate science though in reality, it's quite far from happening, it's quite beyond science, or maybe it's something that science is yet to have. but i loved the line "it's an active nature, there are things that are beyond our intelligence", very true.

i found the love twist between the main actors very romantic even though it wasn't so explicit. i was touched how the kid's father face death just to show her daughter he can do everything just to save her mother. that's heart-breaking... and how the main actors admitted what their secrets are while they are in the peak of refuge. and how their relationship got even stronger.

bottom line: i enjoyed "the happening", i enjoyed migs' lasagna treat, i enjoyed the night.
[translation: it's always been fun whenever i and migs are together]

watch this movie!!

my "pretty woman" experience

2008-06-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

i attended a christening this morning. if i'm not mistaken, pang-14 na inaanak ko na yon... akalain mo? at ngayon pa lang, alam ko na kung magkano na naman ang gagastusin ko sa pasko. bawal daw kasi tumanggi.

almost 4 hours lang ako natulog. paggising ko, patapos na yong Singing Bee na hudyat ko para maligo na. i should leave the house before Lobo [translation: abs-cbn lang ang pinapanood namin sa bahay] ends.

9:15pm, i'm already driving along commonwealth. medyo naulan nakaminor lang ako (yes, i'm now driving my own car). paubos na pala gas ko so dumaan ako sa Petron. while waiting for my turn, may biglang sumilong sa gas station, isang lalake, check [translation: tall, chinito, maputi, sexy]! sa totoo lang, first time na hinangad kong makupad kumilos ang mga attendants ng station. para bang gusto kong masiraan ng makina, parang biglang nasira ang aircon ko at balak ko munang magpahangin sa labas.

kinapalan ko na ang mukha ko, bago pa mahuli ang lahat, i need to do something or else i'll regret it talaga. pagkaabot ko ng bayad, i started to move forward slowly without closing my window yet...

"john! san ka? halika, sabay ka na...! (sabay bukas ko ng pinto sa kanan) omg! bumenta ang style ko. akala ko wala akong alam sa pamimick-up, may talent pala ako na ngayon ko lang nadiscover.

eto na...

"i'm sorry, kinapalan ko na mukha ko, naawa kasi ako sayo, basang-basa ka na. eto, towel oh!"

"thanks, ambait mo naman, san ka ba? baka out of way ako, dyan na lang ako sa may overpass maga-abang ng bus."

"bus? so edsa ka, right? tamang-tama, ortigas ako, san ka ba?"

"magpapalipas lang ng oras sa cubao. off ko kasi bukas."

cubao lang pala, naisip ko sayang ang maiksing oras, ititake-advantage ko na.

"hubarin mo muna yang shirt mo, basang-basa. may hanger ako sa likod..."

sheeet! naghubad nga ang mokong. total of two na ang natatawag kong patron. naalala ko tuloy si dennis trillo sa sexy dance video niya. i swear, never ko pang natry kumuha ng hooker, pero this time i'm certain, parang ako si richard gere at siya si julia roberts ng pretty woman.

ang kulang na lang ay proposal ko. i don't know where to start. siguro i'm scared to try kasi he doesn't look like one. napakadesente niyang tingnan. the way he talks, alam mong nakapag-aral. pero naisip ko, the fact that he quickly gets inside my car, if he's smart he knew that i have an intention in offering him a ride. sino ba namang matino ang magpapasakay ng stranger diba? di na ako matino sa oras na 'to.

"i bet you work for a call center..."

"hahaha! di naman kita ini-english huh?"

"sorry. di naman kita sisingilin ng mahal kahit mag-english ka. don't worry."

ewan ko ba, swerte ba ang tawag dito? nakakagulat talaga, smart nga siya. he can read my mind. ititext ko na agad ang boss ko, halfday ako papasok dahil masama ang pakiramdam ko.

"game ako sa lahat. kung gusto mo akong maging suki, call me mike. kung gusto mo naman ng relationship, call me armand. pero open-relationship lang ang gusto ko. walang commitment pero exclusive. ano, game?"

natauhan ako bigla, kamias na pala kami. ilang tumbling na lang bababa na siya. di ako papayag, nandito na ako wala nang urungan...

"armand, i'm paul.. happy ako nakilala kita, di ko inaasahan 'to"

sheeet! armand daw... nababaliw na ba ako?? napatingin ako bigla sa mukha niya nang maramdaman kong pumatong sa hita ko ang kaliwang kamay niya. para akong biglang naihi, na parang nagpre-cum na di ko maintindihan.

a stranger's face, i never believe that love at first sight exist until his eyes told me at that very point of time. parang bigla akong nanghina. feeling ko nananaginip lang ako... pero hindi, he's in front of me in flesh. i can hear the blowing horns, we are amidst a traffic jam and it's happening for real.

lumiko ako bigla pakanan sa may magsaysay high school. bigla akong nablanko. biglang nawala lahat ng iniisip ko... i don't even have any idea why i turned right. instinct siguro, baka madisgrasya lang ako dahil nga namanhid sandali ang utak ko.

pinaghalu-halong libog, kilig, saya, doubt, confuse, amazed at kung anu-ano pang emotion ang biglang sabay-sabay na naramdaman ko pagka-apak ko ng break.

"paul, baket? may problema ba? di ako masamang tao. sige bababa na ako, thanks sa ride, you're so nice."

"wait..."

dito na ako natauhan. mahal ang nfa rice ngayon. di naman ako hybrid chicken, baket pa ako magpapakachoosy diba? bigas na ang lumapit sa manok, sabi nga nila.

"tinawag kitang armand diba?"

walang kaabog-abog, hinatak niya ako palapit sa kanya. at wala nang time para tumanggi. hinalikan na niya ako sa labi at di na ako nagulat.

masarap siyang humalik, mariin... mabango ang hininga, he kisses with so much art. then he grabbed my arms, directed it to his waist... i started to open his belt.

nanginginig-nginig pa ako. parang babaeng virgin sa first day ng honeymoon.

thanks sa mga patron, thanks sa malakas na ulan... akin ang mundo ngayon. hindi na ako si richard gere sa pretty women, ako na si julia roberts... ang swerte ko!

teka, baket andaming tao? sheeet! boni na 'to huh? lumagpas ako, puta!!!

pakshet na panaginip na 'to, nalate tuloy ako...

I, wicked son...

2008-06-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

i had a big fight with mama before i left home last night. i always tell myself, the least person i want to see crying would be my mother. but last night i knew she cried when i left. i made her cry.

i remember when i was a kid, i was about in grade 4, our teacher sent all of us (boys of the class) outside the room. she claimed we were noisy and that we were affecting the rest of the class. knowing the fact that i belong to that specie, i was one of them our teacher sent to the garden to pull weeds at high noon. i cried because i don't want to miss the lesson, and i was feeling so deprived, i knew i didn't make any noise. instead of going to the garden, i ran to our house nearby and seek for reinforcement. couple of minutes and now my mother is ready to fight my teacher. they fought, and later on, our teacher was removed from our class.

today is my mama's birthday. it's tearing my heart terribly that i've gotten out of control last night. i feel like i was never a good son to her. i feel i'm frustrating her a lot...

when i go home after work, i'll be heading home swiftly. i wish along the way, i'd find the courage to say how much i love her as soon as i get home. i wish i'd be brave enough to tell her i'm sorry for making her cry. and when she hugs me and whisper it's okay, i wish i can promise not to hurt her anymore, never again...